Me? A Hater?

I know, don't be a hater. And how can I be on a day like today with the wind, the tree leaves, the clear sky, the crisp air, the sun? I get to experience a true Fall with the sun and everything, and a small miracle has occured: my folks have gone on a field trip? I should be loving every second of this. And I am, in a way. And yet I'm not.

Took A. to Metuchen, enjoyed ancient trees and A. sniffed for over an hour. I eavesdropped on two teenage boys engaging in a serious tete a tete about girls. Had to resist the urge to shove my two cents at them, but decided to hold back.

So where's the hate? What's the problem?

The problem is complex. I have no job. No real job, just a little something, a pittance. I have some friends, actually more than I realized, but they are in The City. I have no boyfriend. God, this getting depressing. I thought I might miss LA Man, because he has his own share of life stressors right now with his family and is not as present. And I do, I really do. And I thought I might miss Portland. And I do. And I thought I might miss have a purpose, and doing work that is meaningful. And I do. But what do I really miss?

I miss me. ME! Me in Portland, with my writing workshop and my job and my walking/dog morning group and everything. I miss me! Plus, I miss quiet: time to have thoughts. No TV, no talking, no pesky relationship interactions. I miss me as an independent person. An independent person not making a ton of money with a Vitamin D deficiency and industrial carpet and a lawn I hated to push-mow, but me nonetheless.

And though I've been invited to several events lately that I'm sincerely looking forward to in The City - a birthday party in Brooklyn (with dancing, DANCING!), an IHOP in Harlem w/ E., a knitting trunk show in Park Slope...I have to admit it:

I need a life. Pronto.