Fresh

Within 24 hours of arriving my dad has broken my computer. Well, not really. He just shut it down while I usually put it to sleep. But when I tried to re-start it at first it didn't work. I'll admit I lost my patience and got aggravated. I asked, "What did you do?" The response, "Nothing!" And then he shared a familiar refrain, "Don't get so fresh!"

Apparently, you can still get in trouble at 35 for talking back. Okay.

Things my parents have shared since their arrival:

1) My dog is fat. Not chubby, not a bit overweight, but fat.
2) My dad refers to my dog as he, and each time my mom delights in adding softly in the background "She" - each and every time. Now it's become not so soft and more of a screech, "SHE!"
3) While in the car, my dad spots a guy walking away from Stark down 33rd street. "My, my how awful," he says. When we ask what's the problem, my dad says, "His head is too big for his body."
4) There is not enough light in the kitchen, space in the bathroom, and the seat-belt in the back seat of the car is lost in the back - this will not do. Dad uses a pliers to remove it and tells me how dangerous it was.
5) We go to Wildwood for dinner. My dad says he wants the salmon but it's 30 dollars. My mom says (and i do too) that you only live once, and to his credit he orders it. But first he corrects this, he was revived from his heart attack twice. Point taken, dad.
6) My mom likes the silver-wear. Of course, their last visit they bought it for me, because it is stainless steal. My dad chimes in, "Not like the junk you had before."
7) Take parents to 23rd Street and reach Lovejoy where there is construction, a couple of homeless people. Dad: "Why are you taking us here? There's an element. The hoi polloi."
8) Eat lunch at my favorite spot: Lovejoy Bakers. My dad spies the owner, tells him how much we like the place. The owner brings us complimentary, olive bread. Dad remarks on this as a marketing tool, and we buy the bread later. Because it's magnificent. Dad makes sure to chit chat, ending with: what this city needs is a good Jewish deli!
9) I needed to leave them for an hour or so to see a client. When I return I take too long finding a parking spot in the 23rd street area. I return to the folks sitting outside at a table, sunglasses glimmering. Mom has purple shades whereas dad's are tinted dark green. First: "Where were you?" Second: dad points to the cable, securing the tables and chairs and how he almost tripped on it: dangerous. The dog bowl at the restaurant earlier at lunch he tripped on too: dangerous. My carpeting at home with its bubbling area: dangerous again. When I point out it may be him, I am told that is ridiculous.
10) Most Disturbing Moment So Far: in car, crossing Burnside Bridge, discussing the blog. Dad says, "Let's say you were out on a date with me." I stop him there. "Sure, but just for a sec, let's imagine you on a date with your mother."

The biggest uproar around here is that I had the nerve to cancel my basic cable. How will dad watch the Pebble Beach gold tournament? How will mom watch Judge Judy? I explained that I never watched TV, only DVDs. Why should I pay $12 a month for something I literally never use. Dad pulled out a pad and pencil, that 49 cents a day.

When my dad talks about listening to the news, knowing what's going on in the world. I tell him I'm not interested, except for Hoda and Kathie Lee. I hear enough horrible news at my work. I ask him about meditation and calmness. His response -

"Why on earth would I want to do that?"